Saturday, August 23, 2014

Today turned out to be JUST as disgusting as yesterday!



I swear I don't make this stuff up. I'm not even sure where to begin. All I know is that I definitely need some more bleach AND wine from yesterday!

We were having a nice day of rest (and still trying to recuperate from yesterday's fiasco).  
The kids were all feeling better than they did on Friday so Travis decided to get in the pool with Natalie, Conner and Declan. Matthew is the one who hasn't been feeling well today so I sat on the patio with him and painted my nails. Natalie decided she only wanted a quick swim and got out to join me. Us girls were being girly, baby was happy in the high chair, boys were doing any great job swimming to daddy... everything was going FINE... That is, until Travis shouted out (almost exactly like Conner did during yesterday's vomit adventure. I now know who he gets it from) 
"OHHH NOOOO!!! We have a BIG problem! Oh no! Oh no! Ohhh noooooo!!!!!"
"What's the matter? Is it POOP?!?"  
"YESSSS!!! Ohhh myyyyyy gosh!!!"
Travis hurried out of the pool with Declan and set him down on the ground next to me... where his swim diaper began leaking... ahem, brown water onto the concrete... and my foot...

[insert pause to throw up a little in my mouth]

I looked down in disbelief, overwhelmed as to where to start. Meanwhile Declan is FREAKING-THE-HECK-OUT as I leaned down to try and take his swim diaper off. 
"Um yeah... you may as well just pull it off, Amber, because everything is going to come gushing out!"
And boy was my husband ever so right! I slowly opened Declan’s swim suit. I don’t know what amount Declan “produced” and what amount was pool water but good grief! How much liquid can one swim diaper hold?! (Mental note: Call the manufacturer of this brand to tell them that they need to dial the capacity WAY back). It was a freakin’ ocean of brown water in that dang swimsuit! I pulled too far too quickly… yeah… GUSHING. OUT. onto the concrete, me and into the flower bed. Manure is good for flowers, right? That particular flower bed has been looking a little dreary lately anyway. Maybe this little river will perk it up.
[Side note: We are in the middle of potty training Declan. Pee in the toilet is a win. Poop... not even close. Kid had refused, REFUSED to poop all day because I didn't put a diaper on him like he wanted and asked him to go in the toilet. I had been letting him run around naked because I knew the second I put underwear, a pull-up or diaper on him he was going to poop in it. Why? WHY didn't I think about the swimsuit?!?! UGH!]
Travis looked at the flower bed in horror and then at the kids: 
“You guys can never EVER play in this flower bed again! Okay? Like, ever."
I felt the urge to bleach the lower half of my body and Declan's and set the north side of the patio and flower bed on fire to be sure all poop germs were gone. Travis and I looked at each other and laughed, both of us wearing an expression of "Is this really happening right now?" while the other kids yelled... 
"IS THAT POOOOOOOP?!? DID DECLAN POOP EVERYWHERE?!?!?"
"GET THE HOSE!!!” I yelled.
And my knight in shining armor ran across the yard and came to the rescue hosing down Declan, my feet, and pretty much everything else. Obviously he will be shocking the pool tonight! I took the kids in for baths. All family members got bathed (and hopefully completely disinfected). When I was done I came back outside to find Travis still washing things down.
“Honey, we should probably turn the water off so someone doesn't come by and fine us for wasting water."
"I'm pretty sure when they hear we were washing down HUMAN FECES they won't have a problem. And if they do, I'm happy to take that one to court."
So that was our Saturday, folks. I'm not sure what Sunday has in store for us but I'm thinking of skipping it all together and refusing to get out of bed. 

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