Blood pressure-raising, grey hair forming conversations with my kids

Against my better judgment, I decided to take a new approach and warned the kids beforehand that I was going to make a phone call and needed them to be quiet. I know, I know... terrible idea, right?  

"Kids, I have to make a phone call. It's important that the person I am talking to can here me and that I can hear them. So I am going to need you guys to not do the following while I am the phone: NO yelling, squealing, hitting, kicking, licking each other, wrestling, slamming the upstairs doors, tattletaling, coming to ask me questions of any kind- not "Can I eat?" or "Where's my blanket?" or "Can we go swimming?" Please just hold ALL questions until I am off the phone. Ok?"

"What?! But what if there's an emergency?!"

"It must be a REAL emergency. Like someone must be seriously hurt or bleeding or there's poop involved." 

"But what if we really are hu.."

"Being hungry is NOT an emergency."

"Awwww nuts." 

 "For just five minutes I need you all to act... normal."

"Normal?! What do you mean? Like, you want us to behave?!"

"YES."

"Ugh. [eye roll] Fine." 

Natalie walked away to go play with her brothers and I made my phone call.  About 45 seconds into my phone conversation...

[yelling from upstairs]

"Ewwww! Stop it! Quit showing me your butt! I don't want to see your butt!" 

"You said butt! Ewwww! Let's say 'booty!' Ewwwww! BOOTY!!! BOTTY! Don't touch my booty! BOO.."

I quickly jumped out of my chair, snapped my fingers to get their attention and gave them the silent "you're all going to go meet Jesus if you don't knock it off RIGHT NOW" stare down. 

With out missing a beat Natalie fires back

"What? You never said we couldn't say 'butt.'"

Sigh...

I blame their father for their witty remarks.